The Answer is NO

User: "Can a student organization put messages on computer's desktops?"
Me: "No, there is no advertising on, in or around our computers"
User: "This isn't an advertisement, we want to get donations."
Me: "It is still not allowed."
User: "Can I have the contact information of the people who would set it up for me?"
Me: "It's policy so They're going to say no as well"
User: "What are their names and phone numbers?"
Me: "All I can give you the group email of the higher ups who will say no if you want."
User: "Fine, what is it?"

Ode de Scanners

user: "How would I go about using a scanner?"

user: "Can you help me use a scanner?"
me: "sure, where are you logged on?"
user: "Oh? I have to be on a computer to use a scanner?"
me: *sigh* "yes, you do.  When you find a computer with a scanner, let me know and I'll help you"

user: "Do you know how to use the rasterizer machine?"
me: "What is that?"
user: "You know, i put my flier on it and I open it on the computer"
me: "Oh you mean a scanner?"
user: "Yeah"

People Must Still Be On Break

user: "I left a cord here a few days ago, do you have it in your lost and found?"
me: "What kind of cord?"
user: "I think one end is USB, I don't know about the other"

user: "I seem to have accidentally unplugged my monitor and its black now"
me: "Have you tried wiggling the connections to see if that works?"
user: "I'm in the middle of an online test so I can't do that"

user: "Do you know where I can find an empty classroom?"

user: "Do you offer tech support?"

Copy Machine?

User: "Can you help me with the copy machine?"
Me: "Yeah, sure - what seems to be the problem?"
User: "My copy card doesn't work for some reason"
Me: "Copy card? Can I see it please? ...Ah ha, this is for the library only.  You'll need to use your student ID for these copy machines"
User: "Huh?"
Me: *sigh* "These copiers are not run by the library, but instead use your printing allocation to copy"
User: "Well that doesn't help me, I paid a lot for this card, so it should work"

A Normal Day

User: "I want to tape up some fliers, can I have a tape despenser?"
Me: "no"

User: "My document keeps on printing to the Microsoft XPS document writer and I can't find it"
Me: "That 'printer' doesn't exist"

User: "I'm looking for a computer with a scanner"
Me: "They're on the fisrt 2 rows of Mac & PC computers"
User: "I tried that one but the computer isn't working"
Me: "What's wrong with it?"
User: "The screen is black"
Me: After looking at it, "The screen was off, you should be all set now"

User: "Do you sell blue book exams here?"

User: "Am I allowed to use the stapler?"

Lazy Friday

User: "Hi, do you work here?"
Me: "Yes"
User: "Can you show me how to use the library catalog? I can't seem to find this book"
Me: "This isn't the library, but if you search the book name and/or author in the online catalog you might be able to find it"
User: "I did, it says it's in the UGLi"
Me: "Okay, then what am I supposed to do?"

User: "Hello, Can I solicit a complaint with you?"
Me: "Eh, Okay"
User: "The middle hole on the hole-puncher doesn't work"

User: "Can I have some change for the copy machine?"

Static Shorts

This is from a while back, but I just remembered it today.

User: "This may seem a bit random, but are you good at physics and chemistry?"
Me: "Yes I know a couple of things"
User: "Do you know how to stop static electricity? My shorts keep riding up my legs and its driving me crazy."
Me: "You could try touching a bare unpainted metal surface, but other than that I don't know"
User: "That didn't work.  If this doesn't stop soon I might just have to rip my shorts off.  Oh well, thanks"
Me: "eh Okay"

Kitchen Utensil & Appliance Wednesday

User: "Do you have a coffee stirrer?"
...
User: "Do you have a fork I can borrow?"
...
User: "If you put a hard drive in the washer, will it still work afterwards?

Wireless Woes

User: "Hi, for some reason my wireless doesn't work anymore and I didn't do anything to it.  I can't use it at home or in the libraries anymore"
Me: "Okay, lets take a look at it"
User: "They tried to help me at the library but they couldn't figure it out"
Me: "Did you or they try repairing the wireless connection?"
User: "I don't know what that is"
Me: "If you right-click on the wireless icon over here in the task-bar, you can select repair from the menu that opens up"
User: "oh no we didn't know about that"
Me:  After seeing that no networks are in range "Is the wireless card even on?" "Is there a switch on your laptop to turn it off?"
User: "A switch to turn off the wireless? That's a new concept to me"
Me: "Looks like it was off"
User: "I'm so stupid, Thanks so much, you're a life saver"
Me: "No problem, have a nice evening"

Some old questions

Here is a collection of some of the questions I have received in the past. I did not edit any of these questions or comments and what you read is exactly what happened in real life. I will not quote any questions that any person reading this may find offensive and I will not use any information to identify the people who asked those questions. Enjoy.
...
User: “Hello, do you know how to contact the IT help people?"
...
The cutting board:
User: "Can you show me how to use the paper cutter?"
...
Pointing to ruler on cutting board, where INCHES is clearly labeled: "excuse me, is this in inches?"
Me: "yes"
User: "then why does it start at 1?"
...
User: "Can I have a stapler?"
Me: "There’s one next to the printers"
User: "Oh really I didn't see one"
Me: "it’s an automatic stapler"
User: "Oh really? Is it intense?"
...
User: “Where are windows computers?
...
User: “I click on this website in my email and it doesn't work"
Me: "Have you tried typing the address in your browser?"
User: “No”
...
User: "I clicked on a pop up that said that it would clean the crap off my computer and it turned out to be a virus and now a bunch of porn windows pop up. How do I fix this?
...
User: “Where is the Microsoft XPS Printer?”

Inagural Post

User: "Do the macs have USB ports?"
Me: "Yeah, they're on the back and the sides of the keyboard"
User: "are we allowed to use them?"
Me: "I don't see why not?"