It's on the tip of the tongue

User: "Brown jacket"
Me: "Excuse me?"
User: "Brown jacket"
Me: "hmmm...did you loose one?"
User: "yes"

User: "Do I have to be using a computer with a scanner to scan?"

User: "Do you have....umm....umm...[1 min later]... stapler?"

User: "How do use this copy card here?"
Me: "That card says library on it"

User: "Where is the QQQQ Building?"
Me: "On QQQQ Street"

User: "Where is the color printer thing?"

User: "Do you have a staple taker-outer?"

Brain Freeze

User: "Can you help me with something?  I don't know how to print on a mac"
Me: "Okay, let me show you how, where are you logged in?"
User: "I'm not"
Me: "ummmm......okay, well once you log in, let me know if you have any issues"

User: "I'm technology challenged, how does the copier work?"
Me: "All you have to do swipe your ID at the card reader, put the document on the flatbed and click start"
.....A few minutes later....
User: "where do I put my document, I'm confused"
Me: "That's the color printer, the copier is over there"

User: "Hey, this pen ran out of ink, can I have another one?"
Me: "Here you go"
User: "Thanks, here you can have this [dead] one back"

User: "Can you show me how to use the 3-hole punch?"

User: [with deer in headlights look]
Me: "Can I help you with something?"
User: "ummm......ummm"
Me: "So are you just aimlessly wandering around?"
User: "Yes"

Finding their Way

User: "How do you demagnify a computer?"

User: "Do you know where I can find the _____ computing site?"
Me: "You're in it right now?"
User: "Really? are you sure?"

User: "I can't seem to find the document I printed"
Me: "Which computer did you print from?"
User: "I don't know"

User: "Do you have a folder I can borrow for an interview?"

User: "I hate computers, can you help me out?"

User: "Do you help with technology?"

User: "Am I allowed to use a USB port?"

User: "Which of the computers have scanners?"

User: "How do I find this printer?"

User: "So we have to bring our own headphones?"

User (awkwardly stares at consultant from distance)
Me: "Can I help you..............with something..............?"
User: "Is there a computer available?"

User: "Do you have a pen I can borrow?"
Me: "I'm sorry, we don't"
User: "What about the one in your hand?"
Me: "I'm using it"
User: "I just need it for a minute or two"

User: "Do you have an envelope?"
Me: "No, sorry"
User: "Not even for me?"

March Madness

User: "Are you a computer technician?"
Me: "I guess so, what's up?"
User: "one of the computers doesn't log in so I turned it off"

User: "So I have a pdf, what program do I use to open that?"
Me: "Acrobat Pro 9 is your best bet"
User: "What if I want to edit it"
Me: "That program will do it"
User: "Can I print off that or do I have to import it into Reader?"
Me: "Basically Pro is a reader and editor"
User: "So can I print?"

User: "I have a random question, is engine oil and motor oil the same thing?"
Me: "eh yes"
User: "so when they change the oil its the same thing I check with the stick?"

User: "Do you have a stapler?"
Me: "It's by the signs next to the printers"
User: "I don't want to read"
Me: "The sign has a picture of a stapler on it"
User: "okay"

User: "Do you know what's wrong with the copy machine, it doesn't seem to be on?"

User: "Can I use that phone?"
Me: "for what purpose, this one can't dial out"
User: "I want to call someone to fix the printers"

User: "I can't get the thing to work with the ...thing...ugh, can you help me with this thing?"

The Snow is Getting to People

User: "The computer didn't do what I told it to do"

User: "You wouldn't happen to have packaging tape would you?"

User: "I'm trying to use the copier, but it keeps on printing, no matter how many times I press the number 1"
Me: After taking a look..."You have it set to make 11,111 copies, let me cancel this for you"

Where's Darwin When You Need Him?

User: "Is there a way I can scan a document into a computer?"

User: "Someone told me there's a FedEx drop-off location here"

User: "Yo dog, you got a stapler down here man?"

User: "Do you have tape?"
Me: "yeah, by the printers"
User: "No, I mean duct tape"
Me: "No"
User: "How about a spare screw?"
Me: "No"

User: "The signs say you have staplers but I can't find them"
Me: "They're on the tables by the printers"
User: "Like behind the printers? I don't see them"
Me: "On the table next to the stapler sign"
User: "Oh I didn't know that was a stapler"

Welcome Back

User: "What button do I press on the scanner to scan something"

Me: "Can I help you with something?"
User: "No Sorry, I stepped into the wrong place, I must leave"

User: "I just posted fliers outside, do you know when they'll get taken down?"

User: "Is there a paper slicer thing here?"

Instructor: "the projector isn't working"
Me: "Let me see...All you have to do is turn it on"
--5 minutes later--
Instructor: "The computer is typing in Chinese now"
Me:  "oh the screen resolution is high so you can't read the text from the projector; It's still in english"

Wrapping Up the Semester

User: "Do you have glue?"
Me: "No"
User: "Interesting..."

User: "Are you a consultants?"
Me: "Yes I am a consultant, what can I do for you?"

User: "Do those macs have windows on them?"

User: "Do you know where I can arrange for a ride to the airport?"

User: "Do you have a band-aid I can steal?"

Last Friday

User: "Do you have change for a $20?"
Me: "No sorry"
User: "don't you have a cash box here?"
Me: "no"

User: "Do you have scanners?"
Me: "Yeah they're in the front two rows of macs and pcs"
User: "I've never been to this facility before, where is that?"
Me: "The front"

What We're Thankful For

User: "What time do the parking meters start counting time?"

Coworker: "Do you know if Dreamweaver has an ABC check?"

User: "WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING A STAPLER IF YOU DON'T HAVE A STAPLE REMOVER?!"

User: "So the poster printer is about two times larger than a regular sheet of paper?"

This Week in Questions

User: "I dislocated my hard drive from the computer and the videos still play, why is that?"

User: "I am I allowed to ask you a question?"
Me: "yes"
User: "Where do I put the headphones in on a mac?"

User: "Do you have a cell phone I can borrow?"

User: "Do you have a compass?"

Every day I wonder...

User: "Are there any scanners that aren't connected to computers?"

User: "Are we allowed to use the staplers?"

User: "Can I borrow your chair?"

User: "Do you have any headphones I can borrow?"
Me: "No sorry, we don't loan out headphones"
User: "Do you have any in the lost and found i can use?"
Me: "No"
User: "YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!"
Me: "I said we don't loan out headphones"

It Could Have Been Worse

User: "Do you have any masking tape?"
Me: "No, sorry"
User: "That's sad."


User: "Do you have any more scanners besides those 4?"
Me: "Yeah, we have two rows on both the mac and PC side."
User: "Oh, I'm blind, thank you."

User: "I spilled pop on my laptop today, I dried the keys off and it worked fine, then I put it my backpack and now it doesn't work.  What can I do?"
Me: "Unfortunately, most of the pop seeped inside your laptop and when it sat there for hours it caused whatever damage it caused.  Right away you should have flipped it upside down and kept it like that for a day so it can drain and dry out.  You'll have to go to the repair center to see if they can recover your data and fix it."
User: "So there's nothing you can do for me now?"
Me: "No sorry, and at this hour the repair center is closed, so you'll have to wait until tomorrow."

The Answer is NO

User: "Can a student organization put messages on computer's desktops?"
Me: "No, there is no advertising on, in or around our computers"
User: "This isn't an advertisement, we want to get donations."
Me: "It is still not allowed."
User: "Can I have the contact information of the people who would set it up for me?"
Me: "It's policy so They're going to say no as well"
User: "What are their names and phone numbers?"
Me: "All I can give you the group email of the higher ups who will say no if you want."
User: "Fine, what is it?"

Ode de Scanners

user: "How would I go about using a scanner?"

user: "Can you help me use a scanner?"
me: "sure, where are you logged on?"
user: "Oh? I have to be on a computer to use a scanner?"
me: *sigh* "yes, you do.  When you find a computer with a scanner, let me know and I'll help you"

user: "Do you know how to use the rasterizer machine?"
me: "What is that?"
user: "You know, i put my flier on it and I open it on the computer"
me: "Oh you mean a scanner?"
user: "Yeah"

People Must Still Be On Break

user: "I left a cord here a few days ago, do you have it in your lost and found?"
me: "What kind of cord?"
user: "I think one end is USB, I don't know about the other"

user: "I seem to have accidentally unplugged my monitor and its black now"
me: "Have you tried wiggling the connections to see if that works?"
user: "I'm in the middle of an online test so I can't do that"

user: "Do you know where I can find an empty classroom?"

user: "Do you offer tech support?"

Copy Machine?

User: "Can you help me with the copy machine?"
Me: "Yeah, sure - what seems to be the problem?"
User: "My copy card doesn't work for some reason"
Me: "Copy card? Can I see it please? ...Ah ha, this is for the library only.  You'll need to use your student ID for these copy machines"
User: "Huh?"
Me: *sigh* "These copiers are not run by the library, but instead use your printing allocation to copy"
User: "Well that doesn't help me, I paid a lot for this card, so it should work"

A Normal Day

User: "I want to tape up some fliers, can I have a tape despenser?"
Me: "no"

User: "My document keeps on printing to the Microsoft XPS document writer and I can't find it"
Me: "That 'printer' doesn't exist"

User: "I'm looking for a computer with a scanner"
Me: "They're on the fisrt 2 rows of Mac & PC computers"
User: "I tried that one but the computer isn't working"
Me: "What's wrong with it?"
User: "The screen is black"
Me: After looking at it, "The screen was off, you should be all set now"

User: "Do you sell blue book exams here?"

User: "Am I allowed to use the stapler?"

Lazy Friday

User: "Hi, do you work here?"
Me: "Yes"
User: "Can you show me how to use the library catalog? I can't seem to find this book"
Me: "This isn't the library, but if you search the book name and/or author in the online catalog you might be able to find it"
User: "I did, it says it's in the UGLi"
Me: "Okay, then what am I supposed to do?"

User: "Hello, Can I solicit a complaint with you?"
Me: "Eh, Okay"
User: "The middle hole on the hole-puncher doesn't work"

User: "Can I have some change for the copy machine?"

Static Shorts

This is from a while back, but I just remembered it today.

User: "This may seem a bit random, but are you good at physics and chemistry?"
Me: "Yes I know a couple of things"
User: "Do you know how to stop static electricity? My shorts keep riding up my legs and its driving me crazy."
Me: "You could try touching a bare unpainted metal surface, but other than that I don't know"
User: "That didn't work.  If this doesn't stop soon I might just have to rip my shorts off.  Oh well, thanks"
Me: "eh Okay"

Kitchen Utensil & Appliance Wednesday

User: "Do you have a coffee stirrer?"
...
User: "Do you have a fork I can borrow?"
...
User: "If you put a hard drive in the washer, will it still work afterwards?

Wireless Woes

User: "Hi, for some reason my wireless doesn't work anymore and I didn't do anything to it.  I can't use it at home or in the libraries anymore"
Me: "Okay, lets take a look at it"
User: "They tried to help me at the library but they couldn't figure it out"
Me: "Did you or they try repairing the wireless connection?"
User: "I don't know what that is"
Me: "If you right-click on the wireless icon over here in the task-bar, you can select repair from the menu that opens up"
User: "oh no we didn't know about that"
Me:  After seeing that no networks are in range "Is the wireless card even on?" "Is there a switch on your laptop to turn it off?"
User: "A switch to turn off the wireless? That's a new concept to me"
Me: "Looks like it was off"
User: "I'm so stupid, Thanks so much, you're a life saver"
Me: "No problem, have a nice evening"

Some old questions

Here is a collection of some of the questions I have received in the past. I did not edit any of these questions or comments and what you read is exactly what happened in real life. I will not quote any questions that any person reading this may find offensive and I will not use any information to identify the people who asked those questions. Enjoy.
...
User: “Hello, do you know how to contact the IT help people?"
...
The cutting board:
User: "Can you show me how to use the paper cutter?"
...
Pointing to ruler on cutting board, where INCHES is clearly labeled: "excuse me, is this in inches?"
Me: "yes"
User: "then why does it start at 1?"
...
User: "Can I have a stapler?"
Me: "There’s one next to the printers"
User: "Oh really I didn't see one"
Me: "it’s an automatic stapler"
User: "Oh really? Is it intense?"
...
User: “Where are windows computers?
...
User: “I click on this website in my email and it doesn't work"
Me: "Have you tried typing the address in your browser?"
User: “No”
...
User: "I clicked on a pop up that said that it would clean the crap off my computer and it turned out to be a virus and now a bunch of porn windows pop up. How do I fix this?
...
User: “Where is the Microsoft XPS Printer?”

Inagural Post

User: "Do the macs have USB ports?"
Me: "Yeah, they're on the back and the sides of the keyboard"
User: "are we allowed to use them?"
Me: "I don't see why not?"